It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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