sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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