the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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