Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
