I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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