I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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