When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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