just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We're facebook friends in real life
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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