When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
