why didn't you poke me back
too bad you live with your parents still
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
