we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
