I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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