dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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