My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
