just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
