I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize