I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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