She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
