I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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