Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I died a long time ago.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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