If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
