So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
