I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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