So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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