Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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