Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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