just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
