I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
