3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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