Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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