Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
