when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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