Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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