No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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