Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
