Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just high enough for therapy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
