Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
