somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
