I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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