did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize