im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
