I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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