somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
