i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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