Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
