update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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