Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
