Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
