He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
