how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
