just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
