I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
