Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
