the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
COCAINE IS GR8
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
