I faked an abortion last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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