in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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