She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
