He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
