My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
