Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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