I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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