last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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