you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
